Natural or Naturally Crazy ??

That's Me!

"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" Those were the words of my work colleagues telling me to just do that "Chop it all off!"

I watched them first in horror. They could not be serious.

"Ohh you'd look so good" they urged.

I continued to stare at them blankly thinking "You aught to be crazy. You're not gonna be combing this hair when its a frizzly mess."

That was the actually the middle of the story.. Maybe I should have started at the beginning?

It all began about three years ago when Ii was in the middle of university and my mind tried to think of everything else aside from school work. I mean seriously when you have piles of papers in front of you, the last think you want to think about was school or work or studying.

I occupied myself first of all with dying my hair with kite paper. I didn't want anything permanent and I heard that a person could actually do that, and I wandered. Why not?

I remembered cutting my hair in my first semester, that was before I dyed my hair green and red and blue. It looked purple though or just plain strange. Whatever, I'm just glad that my hair was dark so the only time anyone saw the colours was when my hair was in the light.

But it was fun. I remembered trying to braid my hair. I did number of things with my hair but it always just came back down to that, my hair.

Somehow during those three years in University, for the first time I really wanted to change something about myself. Acquire my own identity be just me. Instead of somebody else. I tried the three quarter jeans, big jerseys and sneakers. I think I ended up looking like a dyke in my first and second years, (my hair was actually shorter then) That and I remember walking around with a duffle bag to carry my books instead of a normal school bag in my first year. I quickly returned to the ole schoolbag.

In second year I decided to grow my hair out natural. I mean people look nice with natural hair I believed or I thought, or I wanted to believe. Whatever the case, natural hair was the way for semester two. After a brief period of transitioning between natural and relaxed I said "Screw this, let's go back to the wonderful relaxer"

For me relaxing was safe. It was something I was introduced to, at a very young age. That and most people, especially those of African descent or mixed had their hair relaxed. It was easy and no back breaker. But somehow the relaxer did not give me that sense of gratification. I felt like once again I was loosing myself slowly sinking into the crowd.

Then in year three a few students began talking about going natural. My ears perked, something lit in me, yes I felt more prepared now. Surely I could do this. I could go natural I could find me. This time I researched and researched and I started my transition period once again.  It lasted but for a while.

Studies were getting to me. Thesis and assignment dates were due and I had no time to hassle over my hair, over my attempt to distract myself from work, over trying to find my own identity.  My goal was to get out of university as soon as possible. Hair issues were not going to make me stay in that institution for another year.

Once again I was in that puddle. Around that time after my final exams and even after graduation i felt stagnant I felt empty. My creative self was no more. My crazy side of dying my hair with kite paper and shouting "I'm feeling fruity!" when I wanted to divulge in a good plum seemed far away.

I found myself wishing that I could be like this person and I could be like that person grew stronger with each passing day. I was basically losing myself. Where was I going? I didn't know but I knew that I had to get myself back quickly..

Fast forward to the rat race, better known as work.

The chants of "Do it, Do it!", urges from people at my job, daring me to do something not many women venture to do. Chopping of one's hair takes great courage. Especially when the world tells you that a woman's beauty comes from their hair.

To be honest I still had intentions of going back natural but to be honest transitioning is such a pain in the bum.
It took my months after they all simmered down, and stopped bothering me about chopping off my hair. But their dares remained in my mind. Some part of me was also daring me to take this step. Take this step to what?

I did not know. So I made my own inquiries and decided one day. Hell why not. Just do It. You only live once, If people think that I look ugly that's their business not mine.

The trip to the hairdresser was a long one. My mind was telling me to do it but actually doing it was something else.

The New Me!

Eventually I did it! I chopped it off! Somehow I felt liberated. Liberated in the sense that I was once again stepping on that stone of self identity. I was reclaiming something that I was loosing and in the same breath searching for and my hair is basically that much easier to wash,

I've gotten mixed reviews, as would be expected but the important thing is that crazy, part of me was coming back. That part of me that wished for something different that wished to be different that wished to be me was  and is slowly coming back. I mean it's not all here, I'm referring also about the hair, but something is here. Something is back and in this New Year the search will continue.

Not only will I grow back out my frizzy locks, I'll also find and formulate my own identity. I had to loose something to grasp something even more important.

The good thing is hair always grow back but if you don't pursue it somethings will end up being lost forever.    

 

Like a Virgin

Today I write to you not only as a woman but more importantly as a virgin.

I am a 25 year old virgin in this modern day and age. Where sex has been advertised to me since before I could even grasp the concept of that three letter word.. S-E-X.

That is via television, radio, calypso, or what have you. Its a word that continues to mystify and arouse people's interest at the same time. In more ways than one. 

My blog today is just about surviving as a virgin in this day and age. Or simply just being one.  

To say that I'm a virgin seems almost taboo. 

More taboo than saying that,

Shhhhhh... 

Three letter word.

I mean its almost embarrassing really. 

More embarrassing than talking about, 

Shhhhhhh.....

Twenty years and what nothing ?

WOW something must be wrong with me I guess. 

I mean my social life must be lame. I work either too hard, 

Or 

WAIT

I must be one of those religious fanatics, you know those Catholics who talk about "No Sex before Marriage"  

and then multiply like rabbits soon afterwards?

Yeah One of those..

Actually......

NO.

I don't fully believe in no sex before marriage. 

Yes I'm Catholic.

And maybe I do work a bit too much. 

But the bottom line is 

IT'S MY CHOICE!!!!!!

Just like how people choose to have sex 

I choose not to have sex. 

And why..... I must be dreadfully ugly right?

Ummm... no.....

"Sex." The topic of "Sex" and the word "Sex" today is just so commercialized.

Things are sold and advertised just with the topic "Sex" in mind. After all it sells. 

There's the tagline "If you want it, just do it!"

For me, maybe because I'm influenced by my Catholic beliefs or teachings and then I reflect on the topic sometimes, I see it as something sacred. 

Something sacred that takes place between a man and a woman, a man and a man or woman and woman,  or whatever's your fancy (preferably human) rather than a stick it in and pull it out sort of thing. I see it as a private affair between two people who deeply care and trust each other on a higher level. 

This is my body. This is your body. This level of intimacy should be fulfilled between people who are mature and secure enough to carry on a relationship and are able to deal with the consequences, i.e. pregnancies etc, if anything should happen. Hence the reason why the Catholic Church preaches marriage. 

Sex is something that is unifying, no matter your Kama Sutra position. Its a unification of two people into something whole or one. In other words you are becoming one with your partner, you are becoming apart of them.

That's my personal view on sex and the reason why I have not ventured into that realm.

As I mentioned earlier. I respect people's opinions and decisions. However, what I dislike  is when people chastise me for who I am. 

So what if I'm a virgin?

Does that justify your mocking me, who I am and my decisions?

If so should does my calling you a slut, whore or what other derogatory name should be justified because of your actions, especially if you are not married or not in a committed relationship?

I don't think so. 

Maybe there are people out there who are in similar positions like me. 

Maybe there were people in similar positions like me who were pressured into this fulfilling act and came out with nothing, except hurt and huge disappointment, lowered self esteem and maybe even pregnant etc because they did not understand the entire concept. 

Then there are those who had a romp of a time. 

I believe that sex is a wonderful experience and its climax is often referred to as "la petite mort" a French metaphor for orgasm. Maybe I can further add its similar to the the action of a phoenix that dies within oneself only to relive again as somebody new. 

But how this act of intimacy is often described and the misconception often advertised or assumed is that one should get as much as possibly could as if its out of style. The pressure is immense. 

Some might assume that my thoughts are childish because of my inexperience but I believe that what people need to understand and respect is that its an individual's choice to give him or herself to another person.

When a person chooses to give of him or herself, it is THEIR CHOICE not yours.